things could always

be lovely

in the end

unsound

so i've been having some trouble with myself

well i've been kind of annoyed and angry

and troubled

it's because i'm not sound

in anything really

i'm not sound in my beliefs, maybe not even morally sound.

when i was in texas, i was around the most narrow-minded christian people you'll ever meet. the stereotypical kind really. and now i'm here and i've met the most narrow-minded of the opposite end.

i guess its just the pressure of finding a place where you belong, of knowing exactly where you stand in all this.. insanity.

i feel like everyone my age thinks they're right. they seem to actually believe they've got everything figured out. they think they can judge people.

and i also feel like people only believe, or at least say that they believe, what they do because of what's socially acceptable. and i know that because being here makes me want to just fit in. it's so easy. i wish i didn't care what anyone thought.

is it wrong to be weak?

i've dreamed of just telling everyone everything about me, just so i could say that i stood up for myself and for god and for everything i'm supposed to stand up for. and so that i wouldn't have to endure those moments where i'm uncomfortable and silent about what's being said with a guilty conscience.

i've kind of always envied those people who don't care about what they wear or who they're friends with-- i mean actually don't care not pretend not to. they're themselves to everybody. and they're also okay with being alone.

i just feel somewhere in between. trying to be myself in a place where no one is. maybe that's why it doesn't always work.

the bible verse that makes me the most uncomfortable is where it talks about how we should be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm because god hates that.

it's because i feel lukewarm.