saying bye to wisdom

today i got my wisdom teeth pulled, and it was much more interesting than i thought it would be

i dont know if you've ever been put to sleep before, but i've done it twice. and both times i was very much looking foreward to it because you're in this very intense, uncomfortable environment and you know that as soon as they put the stuff in your IV you fall asleep immediately. its a very interesting experience. i would say that its really cool except that right when they put the stuff in you get really dizzy and it doesnt feel very good.

anyway when they woke me up, i was crying alot for some reason. they said what usually happens is people either can't stop crying or can't stop laughing. i was just so confused, and i couldnt figure out why i was crying. and my mom was worried to. well i didnt see her face but when i heard her come in i could tell she would be. i couldnt hardly say anything but i was trying to tell her it was fine and i must have sounded very stupid cause i had all this gauze in my mouth and my face was all wet and funny looking. it was weird too because i felt really sad, but i knew it was the sleepy stuff so i didnt really worry.

after like five minutes of the guy explaining stuff to my mom, i dont remember what cause i was just trying to go to sleep, the guy held his fingers up and asked me how many there were. i remember thinking it was really funny because in movies they always do that and i would always try to imagine how they possibly couldnt really know how many there were, even if you were seeing double, but i had no idea how many there were. i tried really hard haha, and then i said four or five.

then they put me in a wheelchair and we went outside this back way, i remember really hoping no one could see me cause i felt completely ridiculous. and the man who was pushing me kept asking weird questions, maybe cause i was still crying, like "is your boyfriend taking care of you?" and "did you have a bad dream?" he asked me about my boyfriend several times. i have no idea why. i just remember i was so confused.

one thing that is great about all this is i dont have to go to school and i get to sleep as much as i want because that's just about all i can do. and even though i can't eat anything i'm really not hungry for some reason.

its not so bad basically. the only thing that bothers me is i wonder if many years down the road they'll describe in texts books and documentaries how uneducated we were about all this stuff, and how no one ever really needed to take their wisdom teeth out to begin with. i think i know who to thank for that thought. and i think she knows too.

thanks mister seligman

i'd very much like to think of myself as a stable person. you know? but sometimes when i keep switching off being happy and sad in the same day i begin to wonder. maybe it's the weather.

i think something very important is being able to see things just for what they are, not as a big deal when they're not or a very small deal when they kind of are.

for example

when i moved to california, i stopped exercising. and that was because i stopped being in soccer. so now when i see that i moved up a jean size i automatically think "i've gotten fatter and lazier and i am degrading in my quality as a person." or something like that but with more emotion and stuff. but actually, i'm not really lazy i dont think. i try to use my time well, even if that means being on the computer for a long time. and when i have to do something i just do it usually. so that's a very big deal made out of a small deal which was just that i'm not in soccer anymore so i got fatter.

even though i do wish i wasn't fatter. but that can also be solved with some time and effort.

i did a psychology paper on martin seligman. he is considered the father of positive psychology. he calls what i'm trying to describe "explanatory style", meaning the way you explain situations and events in relation to yourself. basically, my jean size could be the result of my faults and failures as a person which are embedded deep inside me and are hopeless to change, which would be a pessimistic explanatory style, or it could be the result of my move to california and not directly related to a personal failure, which would be an optimistic explanatory style.

this is all very valuable stuff i've realized. its nice to be able to explain things to yourself logically.

raining

sometimes i get really disappointed when no one talks to me online,
like when you check your facebook and no one's commented. the little notification box says one but its just a comment someone else made after you on a status. or something.
but you know i dont really communicate that much on facebook. so i dont know why i expect other people to communicate with me.

i've found the most i get is by uploading pictures. yeah.

it's been raining so much here. unlike texas, rain is a big deal here. since there are hills, water rushes all over the place and there are mudslides and its all chaotic and crazy cause no one's used to it. but i still love it.

one of my favorite things is being in bed when it's raining outside. i just love it. like being warm and hearing rain. i don't know.

it's crazy how sometimes, everything just seems like a huge deal, like a huge problem. every fault you have or every issue you have with another person is something that has to be changed or dealt with otherwise life can't go on. but kinda like the rain.. it seems like a big deal and it seems like, how can life go on with everything so chaotic and disorganized and crazy, with all these little inconveniences and detours you have to take and everything is just wet and messy and wrong.

but everything does go on, just as it always did. and the next day the sun comes out and everything gets better and better until a week later you don't even remember what the rain was like really.

about my first post

well i was just in the process of writing my first post, which i thought i was doing pretty well on.

i even included a quote:
"don't let the fear of striking out keep you from swinging"

and i mentioned also that i couldn't remember who'd said that.

i had started to say how blogging was kind of scary if you thought of it as a way of presenting yourself to the whole world. and i do think that sometimes.

and then mozilla crashed.

so much for that.

i don't know. i hope blogs aren't supposed to be that interesting.