one of those days.

i have a really bad habit of only updating when i'm depressed.

i will try and change that sometime.

today was just, well, my first inclination is to say "what a crap day." but that's kinda mean to say since it's not the day's fault, its just the things that happened in the day to various people.

i actually like rainy weather alot but it makes me solemn you know. so it kind of contributed. to the day.

recently i've just been getting randomly really sad for no reason. and i'll try and be all logical about it and be like "there's nothing really sad that's happening in my life and i'm actually very lucky."

there's this one therapy for depression that focuses on identifying irrational thoughts that lead to irrational/detrimental beliefs. sometimes i wonder what kind of irrational beliefs i have, and if they might contribute to some problems.

but it kind of seems like people with irrational thoughts can be very happy. in fact it kinda seems like people who have only rational thoughts would be depressed doesn't it?

but also, you can be rational and positive or rational and negative i think. it just depends on your attitude and your perspective. because there are always things to be happy about and always things to be sad about, right?

it's kind of interesting when you imagine what something will be like, experience it, and then compare what you imagined and what it was really like. usually after you experience something, you don't think about what you thought it would be like but just what it was like.

blah blah blah.

hello again

i've been on spring break and sort of busy.

i don't really like school that much but it could be worse, you know.

anyways,

something sort of interesting happened to me yesterday. well okay you know when people just ask you "when was the last time you cried" and most of the time you can say "oh gosh like a few months ago during that one really sad movie" or "when i was leaving my friends" or something like that but my friends asked me in school today and the answer was actually yesterday. which was strange for some reason.

i dont like to be emotional. because i used to be wayyy too emotional. and i dont like how i used to be at all. so it was very strange but i started crying for the dumbest reason... like we were playing sports outside and i just was trying really hard but i kept making our team lose. i dont know why but it was just very sad and frustrating to me. it wasn't anything important at all.

so that made me think like, am i hiding something or acting in a way that i'm not? i guess i'd rather be emotional then pretend not to be if i really am. well i dont know about that actually.

sometimes i just wonder if i'm being someone different than i really am. and it kinda freaks me out. i sort of wish i knew myself better, but at the same time i kinda like not thinking about it.

do you know what i mean?