Word Vomit - the "Anxiety" Edition

I resorted to the ol' blog when I realized that my brain is a huge mess and I haven't been able to get anything done including sleep which is currently my most pressing task.

When I looked at the last post, written over a year ago, I found that it reflected almost perfectly how I feel right now.

This was both comforting and disturbing. Comforting because apparently I go through this a lot and I got through it last time so I guess it's not all that bad. Disturbing because apparently I go through this a lot and I don't really want this to be a defining characteristic of who I am or at least how I feel about myself.

I just basically feel like a mess. Constantly. Never have it together, never will. All untapped potential, probably due to some inherent lack of responsibility for my own life.

Or the scarier option: I never had potential to begin with. This is just an egocentric belief of all twenty-somethings and once I reach my thirties I'll be hit with the dull/harsh reality that my life isn't that significant or important after all.


I think my obsession with my future/career/potential has always been an underlying anxiety for me, but it has only increased exponentially since I graduated college. Which happened to be very expensive. And I don't really have anything to show for it.

My grandparents are very wealthy, as is my mom's entire side of the family. I have a very distinct memory which I am now realizing is very telling of how this has affected me and might possibly explain in part the high levels of anxiety I am feeling today.

When I was young, I would visit my grandparents once every couple of years. My sister and I would be flown out from Houston to Dallas (which was already a crazy idea since my family would never think to take a plane anywhere that could be driven to in less than 7 hours...) and spend some time being pampered by my grandmother and playing with our cousin. My grandmother would often drop us off at the mall with $100 to spend however we wanted.

I remember very specifically the last time this happened... we were maybe in our preteens. My cousin took the cash and went straight to Nordstrom where she picked out these boots she had apparently been eying for some time. My sister and I, on the other hand, had no idea what to do with such a large amount of cash and the thought of spending it all at once was so foreign to us that we completely froze up and had to be guided around the mall by our cousin... being introduced to new brands and encouraged profusely before making any purchase. I also remember not really liking the things I bought in the end and feeling like I had just wasted a tremendous opportunity.

My experience with college has been weirdly similar. I'm very aware that most people are not given these kinds of opportunities and gifts for nothing... that they have had to work very hard for everything they own and also for their own education. So to be given something that I haven't earned... with no real plan for how to make the most of it... or even anything of it... has resulted in an ever-present and ever-growing anxiety. It has become so palpable of late that I swear I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I spend a lot of my mental energy kicking myself for past mistakes and missed opportunities... and also looking for ways to escape the constant kicking... like Netflix... or sports... or running if I'm desperate enough. I work at Starbucks and we are very busy all the time. I like this because it takes my mind off things. I like the mindless repetition of drink making. I've gotten very good at it.

Most common drink, if you're curious, at my location is the "Skinny Vanilla Latte." Nonfat, no foam lattes are a close second. How lame can you get.

I'm also a very social person and I engage with others and connect with them relatively easily. It's very, very easy to forget about my problems when I'm socializing. Another reason work is a perfect escape.

Sometimes you just can't deal with the reality of who you are combined with the situation you're in. I've been finding that to be true a lot lately.

This post has been very cathartic for me. Maybe my next one will be more optimistic. Or maybe I won't write again for another year. Who knows.