I have just rediscovered this blog.
I have a bad tendency of hating my past self without really taking a look at who I was at the time that I hated me. I just hate "my past self" in general, and that pretty much applies to all of my past selves. Even like, my past self last year.
But I don't think I was all that bad, judging from the look of those last couple posts. But I was a little sad. I always was.
I'm supposed to be writing a paper, it's due Thursday. It's about the Great Gatsby. I'm really getting nowhere. So I started by looking at Marten's blog (shoutout, wut wut.) and then I thought that I would try to find my old blog. And I did. So that was pretty neat..
I realized from reading those past few blogs, that I was pretty much destined to be a Psychology major. I never would have thought that... but I was talking like one even then. Weird.
I think I will try to make some posts from now on, with music I've been hearing and pictures that I've been taking.
I think that will be nice.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Thursday, June 3, 2010
a lovely thing
i was just having a conversation with someone about one of my favorite things.
it's called staying up late enough to watch the sun rise and being able to fall asleep during it before it gets too bright.
because normally, when you get up to watch the sunrise, its kind of annoying. because after that you have to stay up and there's a whole day ahead of you. waking up to see the sunrise usually means just waking up early, so you'll be tired, usually.
but how nice is it when, you're very tired after a long night, but not exactly sleepy. and then, it comes around to being you know 5 am. and then you start getting sleepy and you look out your window and here comes the sun, softly and slowly rising. so you nestle in somewhere, like a couch or a bed or somewhere comfortable, and then rest your eyes a little while the grey-blue of the morning wafts in through your window. and if you have the window open, the air is damp and misty. and then you can open your eyes every now and then until you just see the sun peaking up over the horizon. then you know you can close your eyes, and just drift off and off into a beautiful rest. and guess what? you can wake up whenever you'd like to.
what a lovely thing.
it's called staying up late enough to watch the sun rise and being able to fall asleep during it before it gets too bright.
because normally, when you get up to watch the sunrise, its kind of annoying. because after that you have to stay up and there's a whole day ahead of you. waking up to see the sunrise usually means just waking up early, so you'll be tired, usually.
but how nice is it when, you're very tired after a long night, but not exactly sleepy. and then, it comes around to being you know 5 am. and then you start getting sleepy and you look out your window and here comes the sun, softly and slowly rising. so you nestle in somewhere, like a couch or a bed or somewhere comfortable, and then rest your eyes a little while the grey-blue of the morning wafts in through your window. and if you have the window open, the air is damp and misty. and then you can open your eyes every now and then until you just see the sun peaking up over the horizon. then you know you can close your eyes, and just drift off and off into a beautiful rest. and guess what? you can wake up whenever you'd like to.
what a lovely thing.
Monday, May 17, 2010
warning, this will be overemotional.
do you know that feeling when,
there's something you know you're going to have to do,
but you just don't think you can do it.
and,
you try and imagine how it's going to happen when you won't know how to handle it.
do you sometimes get the feeling that,
you might be completely wrong about just about everything,
and the way you've been living,
is a way you might really regret sometime later.
when i think about all the things that are important to me now,
and i know that in the grand scope of things, even in the grand scope of my own life they maybe won't matter so much. but i just don't want that to happen.
sometimes i just want to cry about everything that isn't right, and also cry because of the things that i feel are really right but have to end, and cry knowing that later on i'll wonder why i ever cried, and cry knowing that the way i feel now, even though it aches, is a feeling i want to keep but i can't. because i'm going to move on. and everybody's going to move on. and i'm going to learn and see how foolish it was to feel this way. and things will just keep on going and going. nothing will even matter like it does now.
so what does matter you know.
that's just what i'm feeling.
there's something you know you're going to have to do,
but you just don't think you can do it.
and,
you try and imagine how it's going to happen when you won't know how to handle it.
do you sometimes get the feeling that,
you might be completely wrong about just about everything,
and the way you've been living,
is a way you might really regret sometime later.
when i think about all the things that are important to me now,
and i know that in the grand scope of things, even in the grand scope of my own life they maybe won't matter so much. but i just don't want that to happen.
sometimes i just want to cry about everything that isn't right, and also cry because of the things that i feel are really right but have to end, and cry knowing that later on i'll wonder why i ever cried, and cry knowing that the way i feel now, even though it aches, is a feeling i want to keep but i can't. because i'm going to move on. and everybody's going to move on. and i'm going to learn and see how foolish it was to feel this way. and things will just keep on going and going. nothing will even matter like it does now.
so what does matter you know.
that's just what i'm feeling.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
one of those days.
i have a really bad habit of only updating when i'm depressed.
i will try and change that sometime.
today was just, well, my first inclination is to say "what a crap day." but that's kinda mean to say since it's not the day's fault, its just the things that happened in the day to various people.
i actually like rainy weather alot but it makes me solemn you know. so it kind of contributed. to the day.
recently i've just been getting randomly really sad for no reason. and i'll try and be all logical about it and be like "there's nothing really sad that's happening in my life and i'm actually very lucky."
there's this one therapy for depression that focuses on identifying irrational thoughts that lead to irrational/detrimental beliefs. sometimes i wonder what kind of irrational beliefs i have, and if they might contribute to some problems.
but it kind of seems like people with irrational thoughts can be very happy. in fact it kinda seems like people who have only rational thoughts would be depressed doesn't it?
but also, you can be rational and positive or rational and negative i think. it just depends on your attitude and your perspective. because there are always things to be happy about and always things to be sad about, right?
it's kind of interesting when you imagine what something will be like, experience it, and then compare what you imagined and what it was really like. usually after you experience something, you don't think about what you thought it would be like but just what it was like.
blah blah blah.
i will try and change that sometime.
today was just, well, my first inclination is to say "what a crap day." but that's kinda mean to say since it's not the day's fault, its just the things that happened in the day to various people.
i actually like rainy weather alot but it makes me solemn you know. so it kind of contributed. to the day.
recently i've just been getting randomly really sad for no reason. and i'll try and be all logical about it and be like "there's nothing really sad that's happening in my life and i'm actually very lucky."
there's this one therapy for depression that focuses on identifying irrational thoughts that lead to irrational/detrimental beliefs. sometimes i wonder what kind of irrational beliefs i have, and if they might contribute to some problems.
but it kind of seems like people with irrational thoughts can be very happy. in fact it kinda seems like people who have only rational thoughts would be depressed doesn't it?
but also, you can be rational and positive or rational and negative i think. it just depends on your attitude and your perspective. because there are always things to be happy about and always things to be sad about, right?
it's kind of interesting when you imagine what something will be like, experience it, and then compare what you imagined and what it was really like. usually after you experience something, you don't think about what you thought it would be like but just what it was like.
blah blah blah.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
hello again
i've been on spring break and sort of busy.
i don't really like school that much but it could be worse, you know.
anyways,
something sort of interesting happened to me yesterday. well okay you know when people just ask you "when was the last time you cried" and most of the time you can say "oh gosh like a few months ago during that one really sad movie" or "when i was leaving my friends" or something like that but my friends asked me in school today and the answer was actually yesterday. which was strange for some reason.
i dont like to be emotional. because i used to be wayyy too emotional. and i dont like how i used to be at all. so it was very strange but i started crying for the dumbest reason... like we were playing sports outside and i just was trying really hard but i kept making our team lose. i dont know why but it was just very sad and frustrating to me. it wasn't anything important at all.
so that made me think like, am i hiding something or acting in a way that i'm not? i guess i'd rather be emotional then pretend not to be if i really am. well i dont know about that actually.
sometimes i just wonder if i'm being someone different than i really am. and it kinda freaks me out. i sort of wish i knew myself better, but at the same time i kinda like not thinking about it.
do you know what i mean?
i don't really like school that much but it could be worse, you know.
anyways,
something sort of interesting happened to me yesterday. well okay you know when people just ask you "when was the last time you cried" and most of the time you can say "oh gosh like a few months ago during that one really sad movie" or "when i was leaving my friends" or something like that but my friends asked me in school today and the answer was actually yesterday. which was strange for some reason.
i dont like to be emotional. because i used to be wayyy too emotional. and i dont like how i used to be at all. so it was very strange but i started crying for the dumbest reason... like we were playing sports outside and i just was trying really hard but i kept making our team lose. i dont know why but it was just very sad and frustrating to me. it wasn't anything important at all.
so that made me think like, am i hiding something or acting in a way that i'm not? i guess i'd rather be emotional then pretend not to be if i really am. well i dont know about that actually.
sometimes i just wonder if i'm being someone different than i really am. and it kinda freaks me out. i sort of wish i knew myself better, but at the same time i kinda like not thinking about it.
do you know what i mean?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
unsound
so i've been having some trouble with myself
well i've been kind of annoyed and angry
and troubled
it's because i'm not sound
in anything really
i'm not sound in my beliefs, maybe not even morally sound.
when i was in texas, i was around the most narrow-minded christian people you'll ever meet. the stereotypical kind really. and now i'm here and i've met the most narrow-minded of the opposite end.
i guess its just the pressure of finding a place where you belong, of knowing exactly where you stand in all this.. insanity.
i feel like everyone my age thinks they're right. they seem to actually believe they've got everything figured out. they think they can judge people.
and i also feel like people only believe, or at least say that they believe, what they do because of what's socially acceptable. and i know that because being here makes me want to just fit in. it's so easy. i wish i didn't care what anyone thought.
is it wrong to be weak?
i've dreamed of just telling everyone everything about me, just so i could say that i stood up for myself and for god and for everything i'm supposed to stand up for. and so that i wouldn't have to endure those moments where i'm uncomfortable and silent about what's being said with a guilty conscience.
i've kind of always envied those people who don't care about what they wear or who they're friends with-- i mean actually don't care not pretend not to. they're themselves to everybody. and they're also okay with being alone.
i just feel somewhere in between. trying to be myself in a place where no one is. maybe that's why it doesn't always work.
the bible verse that makes me the most uncomfortable is where it talks about how we should be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm because god hates that.
it's because i feel lukewarm.
well i've been kind of annoyed and angry
and troubled
it's because i'm not sound
in anything really
i'm not sound in my beliefs, maybe not even morally sound.
when i was in texas, i was around the most narrow-minded christian people you'll ever meet. the stereotypical kind really. and now i'm here and i've met the most narrow-minded of the opposite end.
i guess its just the pressure of finding a place where you belong, of knowing exactly where you stand in all this.. insanity.
i feel like everyone my age thinks they're right. they seem to actually believe they've got everything figured out. they think they can judge people.
and i also feel like people only believe, or at least say that they believe, what they do because of what's socially acceptable. and i know that because being here makes me want to just fit in. it's so easy. i wish i didn't care what anyone thought.
is it wrong to be weak?
i've dreamed of just telling everyone everything about me, just so i could say that i stood up for myself and for god and for everything i'm supposed to stand up for. and so that i wouldn't have to endure those moments where i'm uncomfortable and silent about what's being said with a guilty conscience.
i've kind of always envied those people who don't care about what they wear or who they're friends with-- i mean actually don't care not pretend not to. they're themselves to everybody. and they're also okay with being alone.
i just feel somewhere in between. trying to be myself in a place where no one is. maybe that's why it doesn't always work.
the bible verse that makes me the most uncomfortable is where it talks about how we should be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm because god hates that.
it's because i feel lukewarm.
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