I want to know You more

I don't usually think of myself as being very religious. But sometimes I hear a message or a song and it hits me so deeply that I realize how much I do care about God.

That happened today as I was trying to do my homework and just browse some music for our band to try. And this song just hit me. I found myself crying because it expressed how I feel so precisely.

You Poked My Heart

I really love kids.

My favorite ages are between 6 months and 3 years. This video just gets me. So cute.

In recent years I've dreamed of working with kids this age for a living. I think a lot about why.

I think that I like kids because, in addition to being adorable and hilarious, they are simple. They are actually a lot more forgiving than most people.. which is a reason why it's so sad when they get hurt by bad people. I think kids will love anyone as long as they are there for them enough.

Sometimes I wonder if kids are such a comfort to me because I have these weird psychological issues about not being accepted and feeling like I can't deal with people that well. I often worry about disappointing people or letting them down in one way or another. People are sensitive.. complicated. Little kids are sensitive too, but I feel that taking care of them at a young age is pretty simple, even though it can be taxing.

Raising them is a little different...  I think I will stress out a lot more about my own kids.

I have always thought of myself as someone who is not ambitious at all, but it's recently come to my attention that my lack of ambition may come from a very big fear of failure. So I wonder if I want to work in childcare because it's what I really truly want to do, or because I'm afraid to try at something that might tap into my true potential. If my true potential would be fulfilled in working with kids... is that something I'm okay with? I just don't know.

Anyway. I talk about myself a lot on here.

I heard this song in a coffee shop today and I thought it was nice.

Air Suite No. 3

I have my first big test of the new school year tomorrow. But I also have some assignments due and a quiz in another class.

In other words, I should not be blogging right now.

But I was trying to calm myself down and I stumbled upon my favorite classical song. I was amazed at the calming effect it had on me, so I wanted to post it on here in gratitude for its existence.

I will try to come back here more.

Goodnight.

Walk

Today I went on a walk on a little nature trail by my house. It was very green because we've had a lot of rain recently. Here are a few pictures I took.

It was like discovering a lot of little worlds.

Good Will Hunting and Bees

I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time last week. I couldn't believe that it was written by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. They seemed so young in the film.

I thought this monologue was very good:

I think a lot of people want to change the world but don't know how.

Including me.

I used to really believe I could change the world. I remember feeling that I wanted to live my life doing something very good that could help a lot of people. I don't know what happened to that feeling.

I saw these pictures today. I thought they were really cool. Bee Hunters.

http://www.andrewnewey.com/portfolio/gurung-honey-hunters/

liking you

i can't remember if i've mentioned this before, but i'm realizing more and more how important it is to like yourself.

when my mom and dad fight, i find myself in my head blaming my mom a lot, even though my dad is definitely just as much to blame as she is. today i was wondering why i do that, and i thought that it was because i'm a lot more like my mom. her shortcomings are very similar (if not identical to) mine. so of course i have a lot less sympathy for her than i do my dad.

it's always been easier for me to love, respect and get along with people who have very different characters than i do. even my best friend, for example, who everyone thinks is really similar to me, is actually very, very different from me. we have a lot of shared interests and shared experiences, but if she and i hadn't grown up together i think we would have almost nothing in common. and she's someone that i look up to a lot. and i love being around her.

but when i think of all the people in my life who i've really struggled with... often times they have been really really similar to me. i came up with a lot of reasons about why i don't like them in my mind, but when it comes down to it, they're not very logical and i think that the simple fact that they're similar to me explains my repulsion to them more than anything else. and i know that's very unfair to them.

so then i was wondering... how did it happen that i have such a difficult time with myself? was it the way i was raised? if so, how do i avoid doing that to my kids?

i don't blame my parents. when i look at what their parents were like, i'm very impressed with how far they came with us. i used to think that i could have an almost-perfect relationship with them if i tried hard enough... but i'm starting to understand that they've just had really difficult lives. i don't think they are capable of being close to me in the way that i would like.

anyway, i hope that i can learn how to raise my kids to have self confidence and self love.  i guess i need to have that for myself first. that would make sense. so that's something to work on. because not liking yourself causes a lot of problems.

a night owl's predicament

this is the worst time not to be able to sleep.

right in the midst of finals.

what's kind of inconvenient about me is that i'm very productive at night time. i do a lot of thinking and working out of things in my mind. i focus better and remember things better. even when i'm really tired, i'm still quite productive.

but i also love mornings. i love the smell of mornings and the soft sun. and i don't like the feeling of waking up too late and realizing that half the day is gone. i like full days too.

i've developed a compromise that is called napping. i still don't really like sleeping in the middle of the day, but it kind of works for me.

early classes force me to wake up (otherwise i would sleep in all day, i really would)

but i'm not all there in the mornings, so its a pretty good time to just be in class

and then i nap for an hour or two (or more if it really gets out of hand..)

then i like to have coffee

and then i do all my work very late when my mind is working better.

problem is that sometimes i just get on a roll and my mind won't be quiet. then i just never sleep.

like tonight.

but i had a lot of thoughts that i wrote down in my journal, so that was kind of good.

someone cool showed me this cool song, and i've been singing it in my head to try and make myself fall asleep. 

i will go and continue doing that now.