Word Vomit - the "Anxiety" Edition

I resorted to the ol' blog when I realized that my brain is a huge mess and I haven't been able to get anything done including sleep which is currently my most pressing task.

When I looked at the last post, written over a year ago, I found that it reflected almost perfectly how I feel right now.

This was both comforting and disturbing. Comforting because apparently I go through this a lot and I got through it last time so I guess it's not all that bad. Disturbing because apparently I go through this a lot and I don't really want this to be a defining characteristic of who I am or at least how I feel about myself.

I just basically feel like a mess. Constantly. Never have it together, never will. All untapped potential, probably due to some inherent lack of responsibility for my own life.

Or the scarier option: I never had potential to begin with. This is just an egocentric belief of all twenty-somethings and once I reach my thirties I'll be hit with the dull/harsh reality that my life isn't that significant or important after all.


I think my obsession with my future/career/potential has always been an underlying anxiety for me, but it has only increased exponentially since I graduated college. Which happened to be very expensive. And I don't really have anything to show for it.

My grandparents are very wealthy, as is my mom's entire side of the family. I have a very distinct memory which I am now realizing is very telling of how this has affected me and might possibly explain in part the high levels of anxiety I am feeling today.

When I was young, I would visit my grandparents once every couple of years. My sister and I would be flown out from Houston to Dallas (which was already a crazy idea since my family would never think to take a plane anywhere that could be driven to in less than 7 hours...) and spend some time being pampered by my grandmother and playing with our cousin. My grandmother would often drop us off at the mall with $100 to spend however we wanted.

I remember very specifically the last time this happened... we were maybe in our preteens. My cousin took the cash and went straight to Nordstrom where she picked out these boots she had apparently been eying for some time. My sister and I, on the other hand, had no idea what to do with such a large amount of cash and the thought of spending it all at once was so foreign to us that we completely froze up and had to be guided around the mall by our cousin... being introduced to new brands and encouraged profusely before making any purchase. I also remember not really liking the things I bought in the end and feeling like I had just wasted a tremendous opportunity.

My experience with college has been weirdly similar. I'm very aware that most people are not given these kinds of opportunities and gifts for nothing... that they have had to work very hard for everything they own and also for their own education. So to be given something that I haven't earned... with no real plan for how to make the most of it... or even anything of it... has resulted in an ever-present and ever-growing anxiety. It has become so palpable of late that I swear I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I spend a lot of my mental energy kicking myself for past mistakes and missed opportunities... and also looking for ways to escape the constant kicking... like Netflix... or sports... or running if I'm desperate enough. I work at Starbucks and we are very busy all the time. I like this because it takes my mind off things. I like the mindless repetition of drink making. I've gotten very good at it.

Most common drink, if you're curious, at my location is the "Skinny Vanilla Latte." Nonfat, no foam lattes are a close second. How lame can you get.

I'm also a very social person and I engage with others and connect with them relatively easily. It's very, very easy to forget about my problems when I'm socializing. Another reason work is a perfect escape.

Sometimes you just can't deal with the reality of who you are combined with the situation you're in. I've been finding that to be true a lot lately.

This post has been very cathartic for me. Maybe my next one will be more optimistic. Or maybe I won't write again for another year. Who knows.

Hiccup

Well it's been over a month since my last post. Two months? Yeah. Wow.

Don't really know why that happened.

I have a lot on my mind right now.

A lot of anxious thoughts. Sometimes I think I have a problem.

I can't believe how dysfunctional I am these days.

Things aren't that bad, but somehow my brain won't believe it. And I can't seem to make the best of my time... my life. I don't know if there's something beneath the surface that I need to deal with or if I just need to pull myself together in all the practical ways.

Anyway, stop being dramatic Sarah. Show them those cool pictures you meant to so long ago.

Good idea, Sarah.

Yeah, chill.

Here are some cool pictures I wanted to put here a long time ago when I was showing those images of "cameraless" photography.  This artist, Christopher Bucklow, shines light behind people to get their silhouettes on paper, then pokes holes in the paper where the shadow is, then shines light through that paper onto photosensitive paper. Or at least that's my understanding of the process. They are really beautiful. Like little universes.

Sexiled

A recent dilemma in my life has had to do with my roommate, who I like a lot, and her boyfriend, who I don't.

In short, I have become a regular victim of sexiling.

Being sexiled means that someone is having sex (or engaging in other intimate activities) in a place that you need to go, leaving you either trapped or locked out of your room.

Also, he likes to sleep over. Or take naps in our room.

I might be more okay with this if I knew him personally, or just thought he was a great guy or something. But unfortunately that is not that case. And I really like/need my personal space.

So tonight, I'm left with the realization that I am bad at communicating or standing up for myself, since I've not made it clear to her how uncomfortable I am with this situation.

So that's that.

And since we're on the topic, I will just say something else that has been kind of upsetting me lately. I work with this man who, recently, has been very demeaning about my choice to remain celibate until marriage. I get that it seems very silly to people, but I don't think anyone should be so quick to make fun of people for something like that. He was also being very condescending about my religion, which made me feel worse.

Some people really don't know what it's like to be set apart from others because of their beliefs/upbringing. Some people also don't know what it's like to make decisions that are different than most other people. So I guess some people can be very insensitive and ignorant about these things.

Even though it's been hard for me, personally, to have been raised so differently than other people, I really am glad that I have the perspective that I do.

Entanglement

I heard this really interesting story on the radio the other night about this woman who physically feels what other people feel when she sees them experiencing that feeling. You can listen to it here.

She also has a lot of issues because this condition extends into her emotional life: she also feels emotionally what other people feel and therefore becomes so involved in their lives that she completely loses her own sense of identity. She described herself as having these moments where she couldn't figure out if she ended up somewhere as a result of her own desires or as a result of being completely lost in someone else's.

This made me think a lot... because I feel like that too sometimes, just not as extreme.

I get really wrapped up in the people around me. Sometimes I'll just hang around people even if I'm really tired or have a lot I need to do just because I'll feel like... responsible to contribute to the people's happiness around me or.. because other people want to keep doing stuff or because we're having fun. And it's not like I'm consciously setting aside my own desires, it's just that they don't really exist at that point in time. And sometimes at the end of the night I'll wonder how I even ended up doing whatever I did.

And sometimes when I talk to someone one-on-one, I'll feel so present and involved that afterwards I just feel so drained... like I just gave a part of myself away or something. I'm not trying to be dramatic, that's just the closest way I can think of to describing it.

That's why I like to have friends that I'm comfortable with or that I really trust... because if I trust them, then I don't have to worry about getting really wrapped up in them.. if my dreams become their dreams and my desires become their desires then that's not a bad thing. I feel happy going in the same direction as them. But sometimes, if I'm around people who I don't really trust, then I start to feel really anxious, like I could be doing something wrong.

It's weird. I get really confused thinking about it.

---

Susan Durges exposed her paper under water and used the light shining through the water and shadows of tree branches hanging over the water to get these prints:

Word Vomit and Film

From last night:

I just had a very long and intense conversation.

But a lot of stuff came out.

I kind of have that feeling like when you've had a stomachache for a long time and then you spend like an hour throwing up and then you feel a lot better but you're also just exhausted and you want to sleep.

In other news, I'm in my first film photography class, which has been really cool. We've been making prints using only light and photosensitive paper. Here are some images from some artists who have done really beautiful things using similar processes. I'll post a few over time.

These photos were taken by Anna Atkins, the first female photographer and a botanist. She used a type of process called the Cyanotype to document plants, particularly seaweed. I really love her work.

Ta ta for now!

Don't get any closer

Warning: if you listen to this song while thinking about something that makes you sad, you might cry.

Trying to do research paper. Didn't realize how much work this was going to be. Unprepared, as usual. Way to go Sarah.

Anyway, I found this song. I thought it was sweet.

I didn't think I liked Damian Rice but I guess I do sometimes.