difficult

i've been having a lot of trouble falling asleep. i've written several posts about it and deleted them because i get angsty when i have trouble falling asleep.

it's mostly just thoughts.

a lot of them have to do with faith.

for me.. there's a lot of fear in faith. a lot of doubt and a lot of fear.

it's not simple.

it's rarely peaceful.

it's been difficult.

but i know i can't ignore it... because it's a part of me. and i'm unhappy when i neglect it.

there are these lines from a christian song that i really relate to.

"it scares me to think that i would choose my life over you... will my life find me by your side?"

and...

"spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me."

i sometimes feel that my relationship with god is so complicated because of my relationship with my parents. there's not so much trust there. it feels broken most of the time.



...at times i feel that there are two parts of me... one that knows what god wants and tells me to follow that path... and the other who is attached to my own happiness.. i guess my own selfishness. i'm afraid to label it this way most of the time because it would mean labeling my own desires as the "evil" mind if i were to be split in two.. if it were that simple... and that thought can be so.. i dont know. terrifying and sad.

there's another song i relate to... someone talking to god.

"surrender, you whisper softly. you say i will be free, i know, but can't you see my dreams are me? my dreams are me."

it's gotten to the point where i'm afraid to pray because i don't want to be guided. because i'm afraid of the answer. because i'm afraid to have to trust.

i can't live with myself if i ignore what i feel god wants me to do, but i'm so scared that i'll never really be... i don't know.. happy? that i'll never really be able to let go.

and sometimes its obvious that what i want isnt the best for me...
but the desire is there and it's strong. to live a different kind of life. to live for now. to follow my feelings... to have excitement.

all of it looks so appealing when youre unfulfilled inside. i can tell it's empty but it's seems better than being alone and feeling like shit for your mistakes and having a mediocre to nonexistent life of faith.

so the obvious answer is to work on faith. find fulfillment there. let go of your desire for the things you know won't last.

i don't know. i just get so angry. and sad.

taking responsibility for your mistakes.. god. it's so hard.

and faith is not simple.

it's rarely fulfilling.




...it's been difficult.