mirror

its funny how liberating it is to be honest with yourself

even when being honest means admitting really embarrassing things like how much you actually want someone's acceptance and how ashamed you are of your beliefs when you really shouldn't be.. and when you see that you really have no reason to be angry at someone but you are, and when you act like you're one way but you're really not.

but the thing that sucks is that when i am honest with myself, i just find it harder and harder to see like anything good about myself

and then they say like stf is really tough because you have to be really honest with yourself

and to me that means you'll come out permanently hating yourself

well i know this can't be true but it's just what i imagine from experience i guess.

sorry this is kind of a downer.


anyway it really is a liberating experience. and what's better is when you actually have someone or some people that you can be honest about who you are with because you know they either already know, or will seriously accept you anyway.

yeah.

hm.

i guess i'm just now really starting to understand that my future won't be anything like i'd ever imagined it.. or dreamed it. there's seriously no knowing what's to come, and no use trying to plan everything out.

i dont know why but i used to just get so excited thinking about the day when everyone would be free of their responsibilities and would be able to come live together somewhere..

at first i imagined the somewhere to be a place like forrest gump's house except with more forest in the back and a river. as i got older it morphed into more realistic things i could think of without losing the excitement of my dream, like apartment complexes and CARP houses.

but now i think it's better to just see what happens you know. to save me from disappointment and to ensure that i actually appreciate where i do end up.

hm.

my comforting thought

i have recently had the opportunity to take a break from my normal life and spend time with my best friend named estelle

and its interesting that you can spend four days doing so many different things, having such good times, not wasting a moment, very much being grateful for life and enjoying it so much, but not doing anything that you really should be doing in terms of having a successful life and stuff

sometimes i really think that everyones expectations of what i should do with my life are a lot higher than my own. and sometimes i think that everyones expectations of what i could do with my life are a lot higher than my own. maybe that second part is a problem, but at the same time i dont think it would take that much for me to be happy.

but in the long run i cant say that i know anything, i'm not working for my own roof over my head and if i ever do develop some kind of aspiration it might be nice if i have a college foundation or something to pursue it.

and also, my life is really good.

i wish everyone could come live where i do for awhile, it is very beautiful and sunny and there are lots of cute things to do.

its easy to get distressed about the direction of your life but i think that many times we're all just kind of going the same way.

i think there's just many times not that much to be worried about really.

dreams

i just wanted to share this because i thought it was something to maybe think about.

Dream Deferred

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?"

-Langston Hughes


"Wherever you go, go with all your heart. "


"Believe in the beauty of your dreams."

signs of a nice day

one of the most comforting sights to me, is when you look out the window in the middle of the night or early morning, and see that its foggy with a light rain, and the only way you can tell is by the light of the streetlamps.

then the day seems like it will be very gentle, the sun won't shine too bright and no one will expect you to be very happy, and it won't rain very hard so you don't have to get a jacket or worry about much. you can just be calm, and exactly how you feel. what a nice feeling.

its just this gentle, nice, fog. and gentle, gentle rain.

i really love it.