a night owl's predicament

this is the worst time not to be able to sleep.

right in the midst of finals.

what's kind of inconvenient about me is that i'm very productive at night time. i do a lot of thinking and working out of things in my mind. i focus better and remember things better. even when i'm really tired, i'm still quite productive.

but i also love mornings. i love the smell of mornings and the soft sun. and i don't like the feeling of waking up too late and realizing that half the day is gone. i like full days too.

i've developed a compromise that is called napping. i still don't really like sleeping in the middle of the day, but it kind of works for me.

early classes force me to wake up (otherwise i would sleep in all day, i really would)

but i'm not all there in the mornings, so its a pretty good time to just be in class

and then i nap for an hour or two (or more if it really gets out of hand..)

then i like to have coffee

and then i do all my work very late when my mind is working better.

problem is that sometimes i just get on a roll and my mind won't be quiet. then i just never sleep.

like tonight.

but i had a lot of thoughts that i wrote down in my journal, so that was kind of good.

someone cool showed me this cool song, and i've been singing it in my head to try and make myself fall asleep. 

i will go and continue doing that now.

getting there

i think am doing better now. i think i just had to face some things about myself.

1) i have not outgrown my need for validation.

2) i have to be careful not to be too hard on myself and i have to watch out when i start thinking too many bad thoughts.

3) i will make mistakes. like take more classes i can handle, or be bad at a subject, or hurt somebody or be irresponsible. i just have to learn from them and try not to repeat them and try to handle them one at a time.

4) i should try to talk to my parents.


even though finals are coming up and my sleep schedule is a complete mess and i haven't studied and i have a lot a lot a lot to do and be thinking about, i really think it was good to take a look at the mess that has become my "inner life" so to speak. i had a lot to confront. still do.


i have some really good friends who seem to believe in me and who are watching out for me.

and if it wasn't for them i don't know if i would be okay.

i hope that one day they will know how much their love and support means to me.

(thank you.)

difficult

i've been having a lot of trouble falling asleep. i've written several posts about it and deleted them because i get angsty when i have trouble falling asleep.

it's mostly just thoughts.

a lot of them have to do with faith.

for me.. there's a lot of fear in faith. a lot of doubt and a lot of fear.

it's not simple.

it's rarely peaceful.

it's been difficult.

but i know i can't ignore it... because it's a part of me. and i'm unhappy when i neglect it.

there are these lines from a christian song that i really relate to.

"it scares me to think that i would choose my life over you... will my life find me by your side?"

and...

"spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me."

i sometimes feel that my relationship with god is so complicated because of my relationship with my parents. there's not so much trust there. it feels broken most of the time.



...at times i feel that there are two parts of me... one that knows what god wants and tells me to follow that path... and the other who is attached to my own happiness.. i guess my own selfishness. i'm afraid to label it this way most of the time because it would mean labeling my own desires as the "evil" mind if i were to be split in two.. if it were that simple... and that thought can be so.. i dont know. terrifying and sad.

there's another song i relate to... someone talking to god.

"surrender, you whisper softly. you say i will be free, i know, but can't you see my dreams are me? my dreams are me."

it's gotten to the point where i'm afraid to pray because i don't want to be guided. because i'm afraid of the answer. because i'm afraid to have to trust.

i can't live with myself if i ignore what i feel god wants me to do, but i'm so scared that i'll never really be... i don't know.. happy? that i'll never really be able to let go.

and sometimes its obvious that what i want isnt the best for me...
but the desire is there and it's strong. to live a different kind of life. to live for now. to follow my feelings... to have excitement.

all of it looks so appealing when youre unfulfilled inside. i can tell it's empty but it's seems better than being alone and feeling like shit for your mistakes and having a mediocre to nonexistent life of faith.

so the obvious answer is to work on faith. find fulfillment there. let go of your desire for the things you know won't last.

i don't know. i just get so angry. and sad.

taking responsibility for your mistakes.. god. it's so hard.

and faith is not simple.

it's rarely fulfilling.




...it's been difficult.

sunny rain

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately... getting caught up in my own life and feeling like I always have something to complain about. I don't really want to be that kind of person.

The other day, it was really rainy and I had to wake up for one of my classes after not having had much sleep. It was really hard to get out of bed because it was so cold and rainy outside. When I got to class, I found out class had been cancelled, so I was really annoyed that I had gotten up at all. But I was walking back to my dorm, and the rain had become really light, and the sun was out.

This is my favorite kind of rain, when it's sunny and rainy at the same time. And cool.

No one was walking around campus because people were in class or still in their dorms, and everything felt still.

I was so grouchy but in that moment I just remembered how small I was. How there's all this around me that I'm just never thinking about. I hadn't had a moment like that in a long time.

Just been caught up in my mind, in my small life.

It felt nice to know that I still smile at the rain and other pretty things. It made me feel like I hadn't completely lost touch.

But I don't like who I've been lately.

I feel like I could be a much better person.

grey escape

Dreams

I've been having very vivid dreams recently. This is pretty unusual for me. It might be because I'm getting less sleep than usual, or because I stopped trying to wake up at the right time in my REM cycle. Either way, it's been interesting.

Often times I find relevance in my dreams... people acting in ways that reflect how I feel about our relationship or settings from TV shows or movies I'd recently watched.

But last night was the second night I've had a dream where my teeth were falling out.

Apparently this is a very common dream. I remember in my Psych class in high school, we were talking about dream analysis and my teacher asked who had had a dream where their teeth had fallen out, and I was one of the only people with my hand still down.

It's a lot freakier than it sounds... because I wake up and I swear I can still taste blood and feel what it's like to rub my tongue around and feel the little holes in my mouth... I'm trying not to get too graphic here but it's a lot more disturbing than it initially sounds. In both dreams I had my teeth in my hands as they were falling out. Weird huh?

Anyway, I looked up to see what this means. According to "Dream Moods" this dream could stem from...

A. a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old

B. a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself in some situation

C. feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in my life

An alternative interpretation comes from scripture, which says that falling teeth mean that I am putting my faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks, rather than in the word of God.

I don't think any of these resonate. If anything maybe the alternative interpretation. 

Anyway, just thought it was interesting.

Paper Due

I have a paper due tomorrow/today. I was all in a panic last night because I just couldn't get it together. I went to sleep at 4, and I only had my thesis and one paragraph. Then today, after class, I just sat down for 2 hours and got one draft done. Now I'm going over it, and it's really not that bad. It's not good, but it's not that bad.

It's weird how sometimes things just come together. It's not like you did something right, it just happens.

Anyway, when I was avoiding my paper I came across this song I liked. It won't let me post it on here for some reason so here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mmsTn5uwIk

And also, I saw this picture on instagram that I really liked.

Both of these things just gave me a really peaceful feeling. It's been a really long time since I've felt really peaceful.