Air Suite No. 3

I have my first big test of the new school year tomorrow. But I also have some assignments due and a quiz in another class.

In other words, I should not be blogging right now.

But I was trying to calm myself down and I stumbled upon my favorite classical song. I was amazed at the calming effect it had on me, so I wanted to post it on here in gratitude for its existence.

I will try to come back here more.

Goodnight.

Walk

Today I went on a walk on a little nature trail by my house. It was very green because we've had a lot of rain recently. Here are a few pictures I took.

It was like discovering a lot of little worlds.

Good Will Hunting and Bees

I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time last week. I couldn't believe that it was written by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. They seemed so young in the film.

I thought this monologue was very good:

I think a lot of people want to change the world but don't know how.

Including me.

I used to really believe I could change the world. I remember feeling that I wanted to live my life doing something very good that could help a lot of people. I don't know what happened to that feeling.

I saw these pictures today. I thought they were really cool. Bee Hunters.

http://www.andrewnewey.com/portfolio/gurung-honey-hunters/

liking you

i can't remember if i've mentioned this before, but i'm realizing more and more how important it is to like yourself.

when my mom and dad fight, i find myself in my head blaming my mom a lot, even though my dad is definitely just as much to blame as she is. today i was wondering why i do that, and i thought that it was because i'm a lot more like my mom. her shortcomings are very similar (if not identical to) mine. so of course i have a lot less sympathy for her than i do my dad.

it's always been easier for me to love, respect and get along with people who have very different characters than i do. even my best friend, for example, who everyone thinks is really similar to me, is actually very, very different from me. we have a lot of shared interests and shared experiences, but if she and i hadn't grown up together i think we would have almost nothing in common. and she's someone that i look up to a lot. and i love being around her.

but when i think of all the people in my life who i've really struggled with... often times they have been really really similar to me. i came up with a lot of reasons about why i don't like them in my mind, but when it comes down to it, they're not very logical and i think that the simple fact that they're similar to me explains my repulsion to them more than anything else. and i know that's very unfair to them.

so then i was wondering... how did it happen that i have such a difficult time with myself? was it the way i was raised? if so, how do i avoid doing that to my kids?

i don't blame my parents. when i look at what their parents were like, i'm very impressed with how far they came with us. i used to think that i could have an almost-perfect relationship with them if i tried hard enough... but i'm starting to understand that they've just had really difficult lives. i don't think they are capable of being close to me in the way that i would like.

anyway, i hope that i can learn how to raise my kids to have self confidence and self love.  i guess i need to have that for myself first. that would make sense. so that's something to work on. because not liking yourself causes a lot of problems.

a night owl's predicament

this is the worst time not to be able to sleep.

right in the midst of finals.

what's kind of inconvenient about me is that i'm very productive at night time. i do a lot of thinking and working out of things in my mind. i focus better and remember things better. even when i'm really tired, i'm still quite productive.

but i also love mornings. i love the smell of mornings and the soft sun. and i don't like the feeling of waking up too late and realizing that half the day is gone. i like full days too.

i've developed a compromise that is called napping. i still don't really like sleeping in the middle of the day, but it kind of works for me.

early classes force me to wake up (otherwise i would sleep in all day, i really would)

but i'm not all there in the mornings, so its a pretty good time to just be in class

and then i nap for an hour or two (or more if it really gets out of hand..)

then i like to have coffee

and then i do all my work very late when my mind is working better.

problem is that sometimes i just get on a roll and my mind won't be quiet. then i just never sleep.

like tonight.

but i had a lot of thoughts that i wrote down in my journal, so that was kind of good.

someone cool showed me this cool song, and i've been singing it in my head to try and make myself fall asleep. 

i will go and continue doing that now.

getting there

i think am doing better now. i think i just had to face some things about myself.

1) i have not outgrown my need for validation.

2) i have to be careful not to be too hard on myself and i have to watch out when i start thinking too many bad thoughts.

3) i will make mistakes. like take more classes i can handle, or be bad at a subject, or hurt somebody or be irresponsible. i just have to learn from them and try not to repeat them and try to handle them one at a time.

4) i should try to talk to my parents.


even though finals are coming up and my sleep schedule is a complete mess and i haven't studied and i have a lot a lot a lot to do and be thinking about, i really think it was good to take a look at the mess that has become my "inner life" so to speak. i had a lot to confront. still do.


i have some really good friends who seem to believe in me and who are watching out for me.

and if it wasn't for them i don't know if i would be okay.

i hope that one day they will know how much their love and support means to me.

(thank you.)

difficult

i've been having a lot of trouble falling asleep. i've written several posts about it and deleted them because i get angsty when i have trouble falling asleep.

it's mostly just thoughts.

a lot of them have to do with faith.

for me.. there's a lot of fear in faith. a lot of doubt and a lot of fear.

it's not simple.

it's rarely peaceful.

it's been difficult.

but i know i can't ignore it... because it's a part of me. and i'm unhappy when i neglect it.

there are these lines from a christian song that i really relate to.

"it scares me to think that i would choose my life over you... will my life find me by your side?"

and...

"spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me."

i sometimes feel that my relationship with god is so complicated because of my relationship with my parents. there's not so much trust there. it feels broken most of the time.



...at times i feel that there are two parts of me... one that knows what god wants and tells me to follow that path... and the other who is attached to my own happiness.. i guess my own selfishness. i'm afraid to label it this way most of the time because it would mean labeling my own desires as the "evil" mind if i were to be split in two.. if it were that simple... and that thought can be so.. i dont know. terrifying and sad.

there's another song i relate to... someone talking to god.

"surrender, you whisper softly. you say i will be free, i know, but can't you see my dreams are me? my dreams are me."

it's gotten to the point where i'm afraid to pray because i don't want to be guided. because i'm afraid of the answer. because i'm afraid to have to trust.

i can't live with myself if i ignore what i feel god wants me to do, but i'm so scared that i'll never really be... i don't know.. happy? that i'll never really be able to let go.

and sometimes its obvious that what i want isnt the best for me...
but the desire is there and it's strong. to live a different kind of life. to live for now. to follow my feelings... to have excitement.

all of it looks so appealing when youre unfulfilled inside. i can tell it's empty but it's seems better than being alone and feeling like shit for your mistakes and having a mediocre to nonexistent life of faith.

so the obvious answer is to work on faith. find fulfillment there. let go of your desire for the things you know won't last.

i don't know. i just get so angry. and sad.

taking responsibility for your mistakes.. god. it's so hard.

and faith is not simple.

it's rarely fulfilling.




...it's been difficult.