one of those days.

i have a really bad habit of only updating when i'm depressed.

i will try and change that sometime.

today was just, well, my first inclination is to say "what a crap day." but that's kinda mean to say since it's not the day's fault, its just the things that happened in the day to various people.

i actually like rainy weather alot but it makes me solemn you know. so it kind of contributed. to the day.

recently i've just been getting randomly really sad for no reason. and i'll try and be all logical about it and be like "there's nothing really sad that's happening in my life and i'm actually very lucky."

there's this one therapy for depression that focuses on identifying irrational thoughts that lead to irrational/detrimental beliefs. sometimes i wonder what kind of irrational beliefs i have, and if they might contribute to some problems.

but it kind of seems like people with irrational thoughts can be very happy. in fact it kinda seems like people who have only rational thoughts would be depressed doesn't it?

but also, you can be rational and positive or rational and negative i think. it just depends on your attitude and your perspective. because there are always things to be happy about and always things to be sad about, right?

it's kind of interesting when you imagine what something will be like, experience it, and then compare what you imagined and what it was really like. usually after you experience something, you don't think about what you thought it would be like but just what it was like.

blah blah blah.

hello again

i've been on spring break and sort of busy.

i don't really like school that much but it could be worse, you know.

anyways,

something sort of interesting happened to me yesterday. well okay you know when people just ask you "when was the last time you cried" and most of the time you can say "oh gosh like a few months ago during that one really sad movie" or "when i was leaving my friends" or something like that but my friends asked me in school today and the answer was actually yesterday. which was strange for some reason.

i dont like to be emotional. because i used to be wayyy too emotional. and i dont like how i used to be at all. so it was very strange but i started crying for the dumbest reason... like we were playing sports outside and i just was trying really hard but i kept making our team lose. i dont know why but it was just very sad and frustrating to me. it wasn't anything important at all.

so that made me think like, am i hiding something or acting in a way that i'm not? i guess i'd rather be emotional then pretend not to be if i really am. well i dont know about that actually.

sometimes i just wonder if i'm being someone different than i really am. and it kinda freaks me out. i sort of wish i knew myself better, but at the same time i kinda like not thinking about it.

do you know what i mean?

things could always

be lovely

in the end

unsound

so i've been having some trouble with myself

well i've been kind of annoyed and angry

and troubled

it's because i'm not sound

in anything really

i'm not sound in my beliefs, maybe not even morally sound.

when i was in texas, i was around the most narrow-minded christian people you'll ever meet. the stereotypical kind really. and now i'm here and i've met the most narrow-minded of the opposite end.

i guess its just the pressure of finding a place where you belong, of knowing exactly where you stand in all this.. insanity.

i feel like everyone my age thinks they're right. they seem to actually believe they've got everything figured out. they think they can judge people.

and i also feel like people only believe, or at least say that they believe, what they do because of what's socially acceptable. and i know that because being here makes me want to just fit in. it's so easy. i wish i didn't care what anyone thought.

is it wrong to be weak?

i've dreamed of just telling everyone everything about me, just so i could say that i stood up for myself and for god and for everything i'm supposed to stand up for. and so that i wouldn't have to endure those moments where i'm uncomfortable and silent about what's being said with a guilty conscience.

i've kind of always envied those people who don't care about what they wear or who they're friends with-- i mean actually don't care not pretend not to. they're themselves to everybody. and they're also okay with being alone.

i just feel somewhere in between. trying to be myself in a place where no one is. maybe that's why it doesn't always work.

the bible verse that makes me the most uncomfortable is where it talks about how we should be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm because god hates that.

it's because i feel lukewarm.

mirror

its funny how liberating it is to be honest with yourself

even when being honest means admitting really embarrassing things like how much you actually want someone's acceptance and how ashamed you are of your beliefs when you really shouldn't be.. and when you see that you really have no reason to be angry at someone but you are, and when you act like you're one way but you're really not.

but the thing that sucks is that when i am honest with myself, i just find it harder and harder to see like anything good about myself

and then they say like stf is really tough because you have to be really honest with yourself

and to me that means you'll come out permanently hating yourself

well i know this can't be true but it's just what i imagine from experience i guess.

sorry this is kind of a downer.


anyway it really is a liberating experience. and what's better is when you actually have someone or some people that you can be honest about who you are with because you know they either already know, or will seriously accept you anyway.

yeah.

hm.

i guess i'm just now really starting to understand that my future won't be anything like i'd ever imagined it.. or dreamed it. there's seriously no knowing what's to come, and no use trying to plan everything out.

i dont know why but i used to just get so excited thinking about the day when everyone would be free of their responsibilities and would be able to come live together somewhere..

at first i imagined the somewhere to be a place like forrest gump's house except with more forest in the back and a river. as i got older it morphed into more realistic things i could think of without losing the excitement of my dream, like apartment complexes and CARP houses.

but now i think it's better to just see what happens you know. to save me from disappointment and to ensure that i actually appreciate where i do end up.

hm.

my comforting thought

i have recently had the opportunity to take a break from my normal life and spend time with my best friend named estelle

and its interesting that you can spend four days doing so many different things, having such good times, not wasting a moment, very much being grateful for life and enjoying it so much, but not doing anything that you really should be doing in terms of having a successful life and stuff

sometimes i really think that everyones expectations of what i should do with my life are a lot higher than my own. and sometimes i think that everyones expectations of what i could do with my life are a lot higher than my own. maybe that second part is a problem, but at the same time i dont think it would take that much for me to be happy.

but in the long run i cant say that i know anything, i'm not working for my own roof over my head and if i ever do develop some kind of aspiration it might be nice if i have a college foundation or something to pursue it.

and also, my life is really good.

i wish everyone could come live where i do for awhile, it is very beautiful and sunny and there are lots of cute things to do.

its easy to get distressed about the direction of your life but i think that many times we're all just kind of going the same way.

i think there's just many times not that much to be worried about really.