a lovely thing

i was just having a conversation with someone about one of my favorite things.

it's called staying up late enough to watch the sun rise and being able to fall asleep during it before it gets too bright.

because normally, when you get up to watch the sunrise, its kind of annoying. because after that you have to stay up and there's a whole day ahead of you. waking up to see the sunrise usually means just waking up early, so you'll be tired, usually.

but how nice is it when, you're very tired after a long night, but not exactly sleepy. and then, it comes around to being you know 5 am. and then you start getting sleepy and you look out your window and here comes the sun, softly and slowly rising. so you nestle in somewhere, like a couch or a bed or somewhere comfortable, and then rest your eyes a little while the grey-blue of the morning wafts in through your window. and if you have the window open, the air is damp and misty. and then you can open your eyes every now and then until you just see the sun peaking up over the horizon. then you know you can close your eyes, and just drift off and off into a beautiful rest. and guess what? you can wake up whenever you'd like to.












what a lovely thing.

warning, this will be overemotional.

do you know that feeling when,
there's something you know you're going to have to do,
but you just don't think you can do it.
and,
you try and imagine how it's going to happen when you won't know how to handle it.

do you sometimes get the feeling that,
you might be completely wrong about just about everything,
and the way you've been living,
is a way you might really regret sometime later.

when i think about all the things that are important to me now,
and i know that in the grand scope of things, even in the grand scope of my own life they maybe won't matter so much. but i just don't want that to happen.

sometimes i just want to cry about everything that isn't right, and also cry because of the things that i feel are really right but have to end, and cry knowing that later on i'll wonder why i ever cried, and cry knowing that the way i feel now, even though it aches, is a feeling i want to keep but i can't. because i'm going to move on. and everybody's going to move on. and i'm going to learn and see how foolish it was to feel this way. and things will just keep on going and going. nothing will even matter like it does now.

so what does matter you know.
that's just what i'm feeling.

one of those days.

i have a really bad habit of only updating when i'm depressed.

i will try and change that sometime.

today was just, well, my first inclination is to say "what a crap day." but that's kinda mean to say since it's not the day's fault, its just the things that happened in the day to various people.

i actually like rainy weather alot but it makes me solemn you know. so it kind of contributed. to the day.

recently i've just been getting randomly really sad for no reason. and i'll try and be all logical about it and be like "there's nothing really sad that's happening in my life and i'm actually very lucky."

there's this one therapy for depression that focuses on identifying irrational thoughts that lead to irrational/detrimental beliefs. sometimes i wonder what kind of irrational beliefs i have, and if they might contribute to some problems.

but it kind of seems like people with irrational thoughts can be very happy. in fact it kinda seems like people who have only rational thoughts would be depressed doesn't it?

but also, you can be rational and positive or rational and negative i think. it just depends on your attitude and your perspective. because there are always things to be happy about and always things to be sad about, right?

it's kind of interesting when you imagine what something will be like, experience it, and then compare what you imagined and what it was really like. usually after you experience something, you don't think about what you thought it would be like but just what it was like.

blah blah blah.

hello again

i've been on spring break and sort of busy.

i don't really like school that much but it could be worse, you know.

anyways,

something sort of interesting happened to me yesterday. well okay you know when people just ask you "when was the last time you cried" and most of the time you can say "oh gosh like a few months ago during that one really sad movie" or "when i was leaving my friends" or something like that but my friends asked me in school today and the answer was actually yesterday. which was strange for some reason.

i dont like to be emotional. because i used to be wayyy too emotional. and i dont like how i used to be at all. so it was very strange but i started crying for the dumbest reason... like we were playing sports outside and i just was trying really hard but i kept making our team lose. i dont know why but it was just very sad and frustrating to me. it wasn't anything important at all.

so that made me think like, am i hiding something or acting in a way that i'm not? i guess i'd rather be emotional then pretend not to be if i really am. well i dont know about that actually.

sometimes i just wonder if i'm being someone different than i really am. and it kinda freaks me out. i sort of wish i knew myself better, but at the same time i kinda like not thinking about it.

do you know what i mean?

things could always

be lovely

in the end

unsound

so i've been having some trouble with myself

well i've been kind of annoyed and angry

and troubled

it's because i'm not sound

in anything really

i'm not sound in my beliefs, maybe not even morally sound.

when i was in texas, i was around the most narrow-minded christian people you'll ever meet. the stereotypical kind really. and now i'm here and i've met the most narrow-minded of the opposite end.

i guess its just the pressure of finding a place where you belong, of knowing exactly where you stand in all this.. insanity.

i feel like everyone my age thinks they're right. they seem to actually believe they've got everything figured out. they think they can judge people.

and i also feel like people only believe, or at least say that they believe, what they do because of what's socially acceptable. and i know that because being here makes me want to just fit in. it's so easy. i wish i didn't care what anyone thought.

is it wrong to be weak?

i've dreamed of just telling everyone everything about me, just so i could say that i stood up for myself and for god and for everything i'm supposed to stand up for. and so that i wouldn't have to endure those moments where i'm uncomfortable and silent about what's being said with a guilty conscience.

i've kind of always envied those people who don't care about what they wear or who they're friends with-- i mean actually don't care not pretend not to. they're themselves to everybody. and they're also okay with being alone.

i just feel somewhere in between. trying to be myself in a place where no one is. maybe that's why it doesn't always work.

the bible verse that makes me the most uncomfortable is where it talks about how we should be either hot or cold, but not lukewarm because god hates that.

it's because i feel lukewarm.

mirror

its funny how liberating it is to be honest with yourself

even when being honest means admitting really embarrassing things like how much you actually want someone's acceptance and how ashamed you are of your beliefs when you really shouldn't be.. and when you see that you really have no reason to be angry at someone but you are, and when you act like you're one way but you're really not.

but the thing that sucks is that when i am honest with myself, i just find it harder and harder to see like anything good about myself

and then they say like stf is really tough because you have to be really honest with yourself

and to me that means you'll come out permanently hating yourself

well i know this can't be true but it's just what i imagine from experience i guess.

sorry this is kind of a downer.


anyway it really is a liberating experience. and what's better is when you actually have someone or some people that you can be honest about who you are with because you know they either already know, or will seriously accept you anyway.

yeah.

hm.

i guess i'm just now really starting to understand that my future won't be anything like i'd ever imagined it.. or dreamed it. there's seriously no knowing what's to come, and no use trying to plan everything out.

i dont know why but i used to just get so excited thinking about the day when everyone would be free of their responsibilities and would be able to come live together somewhere..

at first i imagined the somewhere to be a place like forrest gump's house except with more forest in the back and a river. as i got older it morphed into more realistic things i could think of without losing the excitement of my dream, like apartment complexes and CARP houses.

but now i think it's better to just see what happens you know. to save me from disappointment and to ensure that i actually appreciate where i do end up.

hm.

my comforting thought

i have recently had the opportunity to take a break from my normal life and spend time with my best friend named estelle

and its interesting that you can spend four days doing so many different things, having such good times, not wasting a moment, very much being grateful for life and enjoying it so much, but not doing anything that you really should be doing in terms of having a successful life and stuff

sometimes i really think that everyones expectations of what i should do with my life are a lot higher than my own. and sometimes i think that everyones expectations of what i could do with my life are a lot higher than my own. maybe that second part is a problem, but at the same time i dont think it would take that much for me to be happy.

but in the long run i cant say that i know anything, i'm not working for my own roof over my head and if i ever do develop some kind of aspiration it might be nice if i have a college foundation or something to pursue it.

and also, my life is really good.

i wish everyone could come live where i do for awhile, it is very beautiful and sunny and there are lots of cute things to do.

its easy to get distressed about the direction of your life but i think that many times we're all just kind of going the same way.

i think there's just many times not that much to be worried about really.

dreams

i just wanted to share this because i thought it was something to maybe think about.

Dream Deferred

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?"

-Langston Hughes


"Wherever you go, go with all your heart. "


"Believe in the beauty of your dreams."

signs of a nice day

one of the most comforting sights to me, is when you look out the window in the middle of the night or early morning, and see that its foggy with a light rain, and the only way you can tell is by the light of the streetlamps.

then the day seems like it will be very gentle, the sun won't shine too bright and no one will expect you to be very happy, and it won't rain very hard so you don't have to get a jacket or worry about much. you can just be calm, and exactly how you feel. what a nice feeling.

its just this gentle, nice, fog. and gentle, gentle rain.

i really love it.

saying bye to wisdom

today i got my wisdom teeth pulled, and it was much more interesting than i thought it would be

i dont know if you've ever been put to sleep before, but i've done it twice. and both times i was very much looking foreward to it because you're in this very intense, uncomfortable environment and you know that as soon as they put the stuff in your IV you fall asleep immediately. its a very interesting experience. i would say that its really cool except that right when they put the stuff in you get really dizzy and it doesnt feel very good.

anyway when they woke me up, i was crying alot for some reason. they said what usually happens is people either can't stop crying or can't stop laughing. i was just so confused, and i couldnt figure out why i was crying. and my mom was worried to. well i didnt see her face but when i heard her come in i could tell she would be. i couldnt hardly say anything but i was trying to tell her it was fine and i must have sounded very stupid cause i had all this gauze in my mouth and my face was all wet and funny looking. it was weird too because i felt really sad, but i knew it was the sleepy stuff so i didnt really worry.

after like five minutes of the guy explaining stuff to my mom, i dont remember what cause i was just trying to go to sleep, the guy held his fingers up and asked me how many there were. i remember thinking it was really funny because in movies they always do that and i would always try to imagine how they possibly couldnt really know how many there were, even if you were seeing double, but i had no idea how many there were. i tried really hard haha, and then i said four or five.

then they put me in a wheelchair and we went outside this back way, i remember really hoping no one could see me cause i felt completely ridiculous. and the man who was pushing me kept asking weird questions, maybe cause i was still crying, like "is your boyfriend taking care of you?" and "did you have a bad dream?" he asked me about my boyfriend several times. i have no idea why. i just remember i was so confused.

one thing that is great about all this is i dont have to go to school and i get to sleep as much as i want because that's just about all i can do. and even though i can't eat anything i'm really not hungry for some reason.

its not so bad basically. the only thing that bothers me is i wonder if many years down the road they'll describe in texts books and documentaries how uneducated we were about all this stuff, and how no one ever really needed to take their wisdom teeth out to begin with. i think i know who to thank for that thought. and i think she knows too.

thanks mister seligman

i'd very much like to think of myself as a stable person. you know? but sometimes when i keep switching off being happy and sad in the same day i begin to wonder. maybe it's the weather.

i think something very important is being able to see things just for what they are, not as a big deal when they're not or a very small deal when they kind of are.

for example

when i moved to california, i stopped exercising. and that was because i stopped being in soccer. so now when i see that i moved up a jean size i automatically think "i've gotten fatter and lazier and i am degrading in my quality as a person." or something like that but with more emotion and stuff. but actually, i'm not really lazy i dont think. i try to use my time well, even if that means being on the computer for a long time. and when i have to do something i just do it usually. so that's a very big deal made out of a small deal which was just that i'm not in soccer anymore so i got fatter.

even though i do wish i wasn't fatter. but that can also be solved with some time and effort.

i did a psychology paper on martin seligman. he is considered the father of positive psychology. he calls what i'm trying to describe "explanatory style", meaning the way you explain situations and events in relation to yourself. basically, my jean size could be the result of my faults and failures as a person which are embedded deep inside me and are hopeless to change, which would be a pessimistic explanatory style, or it could be the result of my move to california and not directly related to a personal failure, which would be an optimistic explanatory style.

this is all very valuable stuff i've realized. its nice to be able to explain things to yourself logically.

raining

sometimes i get really disappointed when no one talks to me online,
like when you check your facebook and no one's commented. the little notification box says one but its just a comment someone else made after you on a status. or something.
but you know i dont really communicate that much on facebook. so i dont know why i expect other people to communicate with me.

i've found the most i get is by uploading pictures. yeah.

it's been raining so much here. unlike texas, rain is a big deal here. since there are hills, water rushes all over the place and there are mudslides and its all chaotic and crazy cause no one's used to it. but i still love it.

one of my favorite things is being in bed when it's raining outside. i just love it. like being warm and hearing rain. i don't know.

it's crazy how sometimes, everything just seems like a huge deal, like a huge problem. every fault you have or every issue you have with another person is something that has to be changed or dealt with otherwise life can't go on. but kinda like the rain.. it seems like a big deal and it seems like, how can life go on with everything so chaotic and disorganized and crazy, with all these little inconveniences and detours you have to take and everything is just wet and messy and wrong.

but everything does go on, just as it always did. and the next day the sun comes out and everything gets better and better until a week later you don't even remember what the rain was like really.

about my first post

well i was just in the process of writing my first post, which i thought i was doing pretty well on.

i even included a quote:
"don't let the fear of striking out keep you from swinging"

and i mentioned also that i couldn't remember who'd said that.

i had started to say how blogging was kind of scary if you thought of it as a way of presenting yourself to the whole world. and i do think that sometimes.

and then mozilla crashed.

so much for that.

i don't know. i hope blogs aren't supposed to be that interesting.