Word Vomit - the "Anxiety" Edition

I resorted to the ol' blog when I realized that my brain is a huge mess and I haven't been able to get anything done including sleep which is currently my most pressing task.

When I looked at the last post, written over a year ago, I found that it reflected almost perfectly how I feel right now.

This was both comforting and disturbing. Comforting because apparently I go through this a lot and I got through it last time so I guess it's not all that bad. Disturbing because apparently I go through this a lot and I don't really want this to be a defining characteristic of who I am or at least how I feel about myself.

I just basically feel like a mess. Constantly. Never have it together, never will. All untapped potential, probably due to some inherent lack of responsibility for my own life.

Or the scarier option: I never had potential to begin with. This is just an egocentric belief of all twenty-somethings and once I reach my thirties I'll be hit with the dull/harsh reality that my life isn't that significant or important after all.


I think my obsession with my future/career/potential has always been an underlying anxiety for me, but it has only increased exponentially since I graduated college. Which happened to be very expensive. And I don't really have anything to show for it.

My grandparents are very wealthy, as is my mom's entire side of the family. I have a very distinct memory which I am now realizing is very telling of how this has affected me and might possibly explain in part the high levels of anxiety I am feeling today.

When I was young, I would visit my grandparents once every couple of years. My sister and I would be flown out from Houston to Dallas (which was already a crazy idea since my family would never think to take a plane anywhere that could be driven to in less than 7 hours...) and spend some time being pampered by my grandmother and playing with our cousin. My grandmother would often drop us off at the mall with $100 to spend however we wanted.

I remember very specifically the last time this happened... we were maybe in our preteens. My cousin took the cash and went straight to Nordstrom where she picked out these boots she had apparently been eying for some time. My sister and I, on the other hand, had no idea what to do with such a large amount of cash and the thought of spending it all at once was so foreign to us that we completely froze up and had to be guided around the mall by our cousin... being introduced to new brands and encouraged profusely before making any purchase. I also remember not really liking the things I bought in the end and feeling like I had just wasted a tremendous opportunity.

My experience with college has been weirdly similar. I'm very aware that most people are not given these kinds of opportunities and gifts for nothing... that they have had to work very hard for everything they own and also for their own education. So to be given something that I haven't earned... with no real plan for how to make the most of it... or even anything of it... has resulted in an ever-present and ever-growing anxiety. It has become so palpable of late that I swear I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.

I spend a lot of my mental energy kicking myself for past mistakes and missed opportunities... and also looking for ways to escape the constant kicking... like Netflix... or sports... or running if I'm desperate enough. I work at Starbucks and we are very busy all the time. I like this because it takes my mind off things. I like the mindless repetition of drink making. I've gotten very good at it.

Most common drink, if you're curious, at my location is the "Skinny Vanilla Latte." Nonfat, no foam lattes are a close second. How lame can you get.

I'm also a very social person and I engage with others and connect with them relatively easily. It's very, very easy to forget about my problems when I'm socializing. Another reason work is a perfect escape.

Sometimes you just can't deal with the reality of who you are combined with the situation you're in. I've been finding that to be true a lot lately.

This post has been very cathartic for me. Maybe my next one will be more optimistic. Or maybe I won't write again for another year. Who knows.

Hiccup

Well it's been over a month since my last post. Two months? Yeah. Wow.

Don't really know why that happened.

I have a lot on my mind right now.

A lot of anxious thoughts. Sometimes I think I have a problem.

I can't believe how dysfunctional I am these days.

Things aren't that bad, but somehow my brain won't believe it. And I can't seem to make the best of my time... my life. I don't know if there's something beneath the surface that I need to deal with or if I just need to pull myself together in all the practical ways.

Anyway, stop being dramatic Sarah. Show them those cool pictures you meant to so long ago.

Good idea, Sarah.

Yeah, chill.

Here are some cool pictures I wanted to put here a long time ago when I was showing those images of "cameraless" photography.  This artist, Christopher Bucklow, shines light behind people to get their silhouettes on paper, then pokes holes in the paper where the shadow is, then shines light through that paper onto photosensitive paper. Or at least that's my understanding of the process. They are really beautiful. Like little universes.

Sexiled

A recent dilemma in my life has had to do with my roommate, who I like a lot, and her boyfriend, who I don't.

In short, I have become a regular victim of sexiling.

Being sexiled means that someone is having sex (or engaging in other intimate activities) in a place that you need to go, leaving you either trapped or locked out of your room.

Also, he likes to sleep over. Or take naps in our room.

I might be more okay with this if I knew him personally, or just thought he was a great guy or something. But unfortunately that is not that case. And I really like/need my personal space.

So tonight, I'm left with the realization that I am bad at communicating or standing up for myself, since I've not made it clear to her how uncomfortable I am with this situation.

So that's that.

And since we're on the topic, I will just say something else that has been kind of upsetting me lately. I work with this man who, recently, has been very demeaning about my choice to remain celibate until marriage. I get that it seems very silly to people, but I don't think anyone should be so quick to make fun of people for something like that. He was also being very condescending about my religion, which made me feel worse.

Some people really don't know what it's like to be set apart from others because of their beliefs/upbringing. Some people also don't know what it's like to make decisions that are different than most other people. So I guess some people can be very insensitive and ignorant about these things.

Even though it's been hard for me, personally, to have been raised so differently than other people, I really am glad that I have the perspective that I do.

Entanglement

I heard this really interesting story on the radio the other night about this woman who physically feels what other people feel when she sees them experiencing that feeling. You can listen to it here.

She also has a lot of issues because this condition extends into her emotional life: she also feels emotionally what other people feel and therefore becomes so involved in their lives that she completely loses her own sense of identity. She described herself as having these moments where she couldn't figure out if she ended up somewhere as a result of her own desires or as a result of being completely lost in someone else's.

This made me think a lot... because I feel like that too sometimes, just not as extreme.

I get really wrapped up in the people around me. Sometimes I'll just hang around people even if I'm really tired or have a lot I need to do just because I'll feel like... responsible to contribute to the people's happiness around me or.. because other people want to keep doing stuff or because we're having fun. And it's not like I'm consciously setting aside my own desires, it's just that they don't really exist at that point in time. And sometimes at the end of the night I'll wonder how I even ended up doing whatever I did.

And sometimes when I talk to someone one-on-one, I'll feel so present and involved that afterwards I just feel so drained... like I just gave a part of myself away or something. I'm not trying to be dramatic, that's just the closest way I can think of to describing it.

That's why I like to have friends that I'm comfortable with or that I really trust... because if I trust them, then I don't have to worry about getting really wrapped up in them.. if my dreams become their dreams and my desires become their desires then that's not a bad thing. I feel happy going in the same direction as them. But sometimes, if I'm around people who I don't really trust, then I start to feel really anxious, like I could be doing something wrong.

It's weird. I get really confused thinking about it.

---

Susan Durges exposed her paper under water and used the light shining through the water and shadows of tree branches hanging over the water to get these prints:

Word Vomit and Film

From last night:

I just had a very long and intense conversation.

But a lot of stuff came out.

I kind of have that feeling like when you've had a stomachache for a long time and then you spend like an hour throwing up and then you feel a lot better but you're also just exhausted and you want to sleep.

In other news, I'm in my first film photography class, which has been really cool. We've been making prints using only light and photosensitive paper. Here are some images from some artists who have done really beautiful things using similar processes. I'll post a few over time.

These photos were taken by Anna Atkins, the first female photographer and a botanist. She used a type of process called the Cyanotype to document plants, particularly seaweed. I really love her work.

Ta ta for now!

Don't get any closer

Warning: if you listen to this song while thinking about something that makes you sad, you might cry.

Trying to do research paper. Didn't realize how much work this was going to be. Unprepared, as usual. Way to go Sarah.

Anyway, I found this song. I thought it was sweet.

I didn't think I liked Damian Rice but I guess I do sometimes.

Some more from Little Worlds

We visited the Dallas Arboretum last Saturday.

 It was a really pretty place except there were too many people. 

Too many strollers. 

A lot of parents taking pictures of their babies.

 (see image directly below)

But there were a lot of lovely things too. Here are some.

fall is my favorite.

I want to know You more

I don't usually think of myself as being very religious. But sometimes I hear a message or a song and it hits me so deeply that I realize how much I do care about God.

That happened today as I was trying to do my homework and just browse some music for our band to try. And this song just hit me. I found myself crying because it expressed how I feel so precisely.

You Poked My Heart

I really love kids.

My favorite ages are between 6 months and 3 years. This video just gets me. So cute.

In recent years I've dreamed of working with kids this age for a living. I think a lot about why.

I think that I like kids because, in addition to being adorable and hilarious, they are simple. They are actually a lot more forgiving than most people.. which is a reason why it's so sad when they get hurt by bad people. I think kids will love anyone as long as they are there for them enough.

Sometimes I wonder if kids are such a comfort to me because I have these weird psychological issues about not being accepted and feeling like I can't deal with people that well. I often worry about disappointing people or letting them down in one way or another. People are sensitive.. complicated. Little kids are sensitive too, but I feel that taking care of them at a young age is pretty simple, even though it can be taxing.

Raising them is a little different...  I think I will stress out a lot more about my own kids.

I have always thought of myself as someone who is not ambitious at all, but it's recently come to my attention that my lack of ambition may come from a very big fear of failure. So I wonder if I want to work in childcare because it's what I really truly want to do, or because I'm afraid to try at something that might tap into my true potential. If my true potential would be fulfilled in working with kids... is that something I'm okay with? I just don't know.

Anyway. I talk about myself a lot on here.

I heard this song in a coffee shop today and I thought it was nice.

Air Suite No. 3

I have my first big test of the new school year tomorrow. But I also have some assignments due and a quiz in another class.

In other words, I should not be blogging right now.

But I was trying to calm myself down and I stumbled upon my favorite classical song. I was amazed at the calming effect it had on me, so I wanted to post it on here in gratitude for its existence.

I will try to come back here more.

Goodnight.

Walk

Today I went on a walk on a little nature trail by my house. It was very green because we've had a lot of rain recently. Here are a few pictures I took.

It was like discovering a lot of little worlds.

Good Will Hunting and Bees

I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time last week. I couldn't believe that it was written by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. They seemed so young in the film.

I thought this monologue was very good:

I think a lot of people want to change the world but don't know how.

Including me.

I used to really believe I could change the world. I remember feeling that I wanted to live my life doing something very good that could help a lot of people. I don't know what happened to that feeling.

I saw these pictures today. I thought they were really cool. Bee Hunters.

http://www.andrewnewey.com/portfolio/gurung-honey-hunters/

liking you

i can't remember if i've mentioned this before, but i'm realizing more and more how important it is to like yourself.

when my mom and dad fight, i find myself in my head blaming my mom a lot, even though my dad is definitely just as much to blame as she is. today i was wondering why i do that, and i thought that it was because i'm a lot more like my mom. her shortcomings are very similar (if not identical to) mine. so of course i have a lot less sympathy for her than i do my dad.

it's always been easier for me to love, respect and get along with people who have very different characters than i do. even my best friend, for example, who everyone thinks is really similar to me, is actually very, very different from me. we have a lot of shared interests and shared experiences, but if she and i hadn't grown up together i think we would have almost nothing in common. and she's someone that i look up to a lot. and i love being around her.

but when i think of all the people in my life who i've really struggled with... often times they have been really really similar to me. i came up with a lot of reasons about why i don't like them in my mind, but when it comes down to it, they're not very logical and i think that the simple fact that they're similar to me explains my repulsion to them more than anything else. and i know that's very unfair to them.

so then i was wondering... how did it happen that i have such a difficult time with myself? was it the way i was raised? if so, how do i avoid doing that to my kids?

i don't blame my parents. when i look at what their parents were like, i'm very impressed with how far they came with us. i used to think that i could have an almost-perfect relationship with them if i tried hard enough... but i'm starting to understand that they've just had really difficult lives. i don't think they are capable of being close to me in the way that i would like.

anyway, i hope that i can learn how to raise my kids to have self confidence and self love.  i guess i need to have that for myself first. that would make sense. so that's something to work on. because not liking yourself causes a lot of problems.

a night owl's predicament

this is the worst time not to be able to sleep.

right in the midst of finals.

what's kind of inconvenient about me is that i'm very productive at night time. i do a lot of thinking and working out of things in my mind. i focus better and remember things better. even when i'm really tired, i'm still quite productive.

but i also love mornings. i love the smell of mornings and the soft sun. and i don't like the feeling of waking up too late and realizing that half the day is gone. i like full days too.

i've developed a compromise that is called napping. i still don't really like sleeping in the middle of the day, but it kind of works for me.

early classes force me to wake up (otherwise i would sleep in all day, i really would)

but i'm not all there in the mornings, so its a pretty good time to just be in class

and then i nap for an hour or two (or more if it really gets out of hand..)

then i like to have coffee

and then i do all my work very late when my mind is working better.

problem is that sometimes i just get on a roll and my mind won't be quiet. then i just never sleep.

like tonight.

but i had a lot of thoughts that i wrote down in my journal, so that was kind of good.

someone cool showed me this cool song, and i've been singing it in my head to try and make myself fall asleep. 

i will go and continue doing that now.

getting there

i think am doing better now. i think i just had to face some things about myself.

1) i have not outgrown my need for validation.

2) i have to be careful not to be too hard on myself and i have to watch out when i start thinking too many bad thoughts.

3) i will make mistakes. like take more classes i can handle, or be bad at a subject, or hurt somebody or be irresponsible. i just have to learn from them and try not to repeat them and try to handle them one at a time.

4) i should try to talk to my parents.


even though finals are coming up and my sleep schedule is a complete mess and i haven't studied and i have a lot a lot a lot to do and be thinking about, i really think it was good to take a look at the mess that has become my "inner life" so to speak. i had a lot to confront. still do.


i have some really good friends who seem to believe in me and who are watching out for me.

and if it wasn't for them i don't know if i would be okay.

i hope that one day they will know how much their love and support means to me.

(thank you.)

difficult

i've been having a lot of trouble falling asleep. i've written several posts about it and deleted them because i get angsty when i have trouble falling asleep.

it's mostly just thoughts.

a lot of them have to do with faith.

for me.. there's a lot of fear in faith. a lot of doubt and a lot of fear.

it's not simple.

it's rarely peaceful.

it's been difficult.

but i know i can't ignore it... because it's a part of me. and i'm unhappy when i neglect it.

there are these lines from a christian song that i really relate to.

"it scares me to think that i would choose my life over you... will my life find me by your side?"

and...

"spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me."

i sometimes feel that my relationship with god is so complicated because of my relationship with my parents. there's not so much trust there. it feels broken most of the time.



...at times i feel that there are two parts of me... one that knows what god wants and tells me to follow that path... and the other who is attached to my own happiness.. i guess my own selfishness. i'm afraid to label it this way most of the time because it would mean labeling my own desires as the "evil" mind if i were to be split in two.. if it were that simple... and that thought can be so.. i dont know. terrifying and sad.

there's another song i relate to... someone talking to god.

"surrender, you whisper softly. you say i will be free, i know, but can't you see my dreams are me? my dreams are me."

it's gotten to the point where i'm afraid to pray because i don't want to be guided. because i'm afraid of the answer. because i'm afraid to have to trust.

i can't live with myself if i ignore what i feel god wants me to do, but i'm so scared that i'll never really be... i don't know.. happy? that i'll never really be able to let go.

and sometimes its obvious that what i want isnt the best for me...
but the desire is there and it's strong. to live a different kind of life. to live for now. to follow my feelings... to have excitement.

all of it looks so appealing when youre unfulfilled inside. i can tell it's empty but it's seems better than being alone and feeling like shit for your mistakes and having a mediocre to nonexistent life of faith.

so the obvious answer is to work on faith. find fulfillment there. let go of your desire for the things you know won't last.

i don't know. i just get so angry. and sad.

taking responsibility for your mistakes.. god. it's so hard.

and faith is not simple.

it's rarely fulfilling.




...it's been difficult.

sunny rain

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately... getting caught up in my own life and feeling like I always have something to complain about. I don't really want to be that kind of person.

The other day, it was really rainy and I had to wake up for one of my classes after not having had much sleep. It was really hard to get out of bed because it was so cold and rainy outside. When I got to class, I found out class had been cancelled, so I was really annoyed that I had gotten up at all. But I was walking back to my dorm, and the rain had become really light, and the sun was out.

This is my favorite kind of rain, when it's sunny and rainy at the same time. And cool.

No one was walking around campus because people were in class or still in their dorms, and everything felt still.

I was so grouchy but in that moment I just remembered how small I was. How there's all this around me that I'm just never thinking about. I hadn't had a moment like that in a long time.

Just been caught up in my mind, in my small life.

It felt nice to know that I still smile at the rain and other pretty things. It made me feel like I hadn't completely lost touch.

But I don't like who I've been lately.

I feel like I could be a much better person.

grey escape

Dreams

I've been having very vivid dreams recently. This is pretty unusual for me. It might be because I'm getting less sleep than usual, or because I stopped trying to wake up at the right time in my REM cycle. Either way, it's been interesting.

Often times I find relevance in my dreams... people acting in ways that reflect how I feel about our relationship or settings from TV shows or movies I'd recently watched.

But last night was the second night I've had a dream where my teeth were falling out.

Apparently this is a very common dream. I remember in my Psych class in high school, we were talking about dream analysis and my teacher asked who had had a dream where their teeth had fallen out, and I was one of the only people with my hand still down.

It's a lot freakier than it sounds... because I wake up and I swear I can still taste blood and feel what it's like to rub my tongue around and feel the little holes in my mouth... I'm trying not to get too graphic here but it's a lot more disturbing than it initially sounds. In both dreams I had my teeth in my hands as they were falling out. Weird huh?

Anyway, I looked up to see what this means. According to "Dream Moods" this dream could stem from...

A. a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old

B. a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself in some situation

C. feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in my life

An alternative interpretation comes from scripture, which says that falling teeth mean that I am putting my faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks, rather than in the word of God.

I don't think any of these resonate. If anything maybe the alternative interpretation. 

Anyway, just thought it was interesting.